so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
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Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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