if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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