So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
