I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
