He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
