is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
