How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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