my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
