Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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