guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
