Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
