Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
