I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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