it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
