then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
