if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
