you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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