Screwed.edu
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
My bed smells like the plague
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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