did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
