I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
