Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You know, be my cock's hype man.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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