Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
That was an excessively violent trivia night
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
