She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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