I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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