I swear she didn't look like that last week.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
