was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
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I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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