This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Where are you guys?
Drunk
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
