who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
