My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
