Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
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