By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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