Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Randomize
