Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
