Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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