Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
