Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
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He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
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I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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