Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
