Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
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Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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