I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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