he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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