When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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