He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
