He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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