the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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