Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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