I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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