I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
