some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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