I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
this hospital has no fireball
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
