Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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