Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
