fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
