Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Randomize