So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
