the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
