Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I can't turn off my feet"
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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