I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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